bitterdiva

Questioning questions

If there’s one thing I’m good at it is that I know a little about everything to get me into trouble and not much about one thing. It often feels like my life brings ADD to a higher level. Forget about working on a project and seeing some shiny happy thing and saying, “ooh! Shiny things!” and running to play with it for several moments before realizing you have to take out the trash. My life is more like being a chemist and then saying, “ooh! Pharmaceuticals!” then running to study them for several years then running into something else and saying, “ooh! Graphics Design!” only to be deterred by a lack of money and program at college and saying, “ooh! Web Developer!” only to be discriminated against, continuously be dumped on with more work than one should be forced to do, and burning out like an imploding white dwarf. Which next phase of my stellar life would bring me to the supernova level, this will be my life’s career path until death, the black hole.

I believe I now understand why many people in this organization only stay a few years before moving onto the next level. It’s extremely frustrating for the amount of work required and the lack of pay or the lack of vacation. Or both. The lack of pay to afford a vacation.

It’s become quite a custom to find me sitting at my desk with my headphones on so that I can find some semblance of tranquility and productivity to produce some output that people really enjoy. I’m all for status quo here, I can produce status quo; I thought that I would bring to this position some good insight and creativity. Right now all I see that I’m bringing is a handbag of junk, my desk is cluttered with excess crap, my toys have stopped bringing solace (except for Snape of course).

I used to think that I was Peter in Office Space, but I think I am that other guy, who continuously thinks he’s going to be fired and nearly gives himself a heartattack every time things change. “I bring the specs to the developers so the clients don’t have to.” Though, every day that you see me is the worst day of my work life, including today. I need to find not the fountain of youth, but the fountain of inspiration, or the fountain of confidence. Because momma is lacking some serious esteem in this cubby. Call it frustration, call it discrimination, call it dead end layout, but I have a feeling that I was meant to be in this position – to learn something about this universe and each planetary being revolving around within its confines. I just pray that I don’t burn out faster than some of the other stellar workers.

11:36 AM

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Posted by: martini mambo at August 3, 2004 01:14 PM

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