bitterdiva

Fall into depression

The sun’s intensity upon the land decreases and the trees slowly turn from green to hues of gold and red as the earth begins its journey into hibernating.

One of the most majestic parts of the year is starting to fall upon us in the northeast. I always look forward to the bright autumn days and the cool crisp nights. This is the first year that it is really starting to affect me. I’m becoming more depressed and it feels like I’m spiraling down into dark water.

I’m starting to notice things more, a veil of younger years being lifted from my eyes as I begin to see the effects of aging upon my body; more so in my face and hands. I am becoming more wrinkled. Though that doesn’t depress me but it is a never-ending reminder that I’m getting older and maturing and as such I should be starting to think about settling and starting to take my chosen path in life. I do not have a path. Most of my friends are getting married and are getting comfortable in their degree earned jobs while I toil with choices and my low salaried job. Granted it’s not McDonalds or some retail mecca. It’s a professional place and that sound does disturb me. I do not consider my job to be professional-esque, nor do I consider my salary a means to live the rest of my days on.

Awakening inside me is the need for adventure and excitement. However the needs to go off to places I’ve never been require a monetary amount to which I severely lack. And as the days begin to go into autumn my weekends of peace and quiet are being interrupted with celebrations of many. My mother’s retirement, the wedding of a friend, my roommate & best friend’s birthday, my sister’s 30th birthday, my birthday, and finally Columbus Day and my sister’s 60 mile walk.

Birthdays for me have never been a joyous event. In fact I hate them passionately. All the one’s I can remember are filled with angst and sorrow. It began on my 10th birthday where my best friend played some practical joke on me which left me locked in a neighbor’s car and completely alone. Close to my 12th birthday my father’s best friend, and my uncle died. Teen birthdays came; I again wasn’t having the best time for I had little true friends with whom to celebrate. My 16th birthday seemed like a trick. My family was getting ready for a surprise birthday for my uncle and all along I thought that it was for me. I was definitely surprised to find out that it wasn’t. My birthday was combined with my confirmation within the Catholic Church and what a Holy birthday that was. I spent my 18th birthday in college. My aunt and cousin accompanied my mother and sister and it was there that I was forced to kill a stuffed moose.

Proceeding birthdays were spent with midterms or exams and some celebration with my family. For it conveniently falls near Columbus Day at least I get a day off for it. My 21st birthday was joyous, I went home with my roommate Chris and my family planned a surprise party for me. I had a wonderful time and thought that perhaps the curse was broken. Later that evening when we got home my mother was in the hospital. She was having chest pains and turned out she required triple bypass surgery. My 22nd birthday was spent at a wake and funeral for my boyfriend’s ex roommate’s child. She would have turned 3 that year. My 24th birthday people forgot. My coworkers were out of the office and didn’t celebrate it, nor did they give me a card. However, my coworker did and so did some in another department. I had to go to class that night. For the most part people came over and celebrated but it wasn’t as joyous as other’s birthdays. I did spend the weekend before in a casino with my family and the weekend after in Montreal. I of course had to do the planning because if it wasn’t for me, that would’ve never been done.

This year I don’t get a choice for my birthday. I don’t get to spend it how I would like, I don’t have any trips to Montreal or Vermont. I get to go to NYC to watch my sister cross the finish line of her walk. I don’t think I’m going to celebrate my birthday this year. I’m turning 25; lower car insurance payments will be enough of a present. I have finally realized that I am not special and nothing magical ever happens. Last year sucked, this year has continued to not make any improvements. I can’t even think of a present to give myself which is what I usually do every year. If I do need to celebrate my birthday, I’m going to do it on Halloween.

I have realized one thing. I have been a royal bitch lately. I do not apologize for my behavior; some of you quite deserve the treatment I have given, some to a lesser extent. I have been under a lot of stress with work and feeling quite under appreciated. I am busy all day and do not have time for trite conversations revolving around puzzles, riddles, various television shows and to listen to the same conversation over and over. I value all of my relationships but I become put off by people that do not have the decency to have a conversation that is not revolved around their lives. I love you all but in my eyes, I come first not you.

11:28 AM

Comments

Posted by: groundzero at August 21, 2002 02:10 PM

Posted by: Latoya at December 2, 2003 02:44 PM

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