bitterdiva

Tales from the Ward...

I always thought that working in a mental health facility was my dream job. Unfortunately I was very wrong. It wasn’t until a couple of months ago when I was going around blindly not aware of the dangers of this job. At first I didn’t believe many of my patients and sided with my colleagues about the strangeness and oddities of the place. Then the truth was revealed.

Many patients in this facility have some severe mental disorders, ranging the gamut from schizophrenia, multiple identity disorder, delusional psychoses and whatnot. There are several wings of the facility along with several floors based on their problems. Typical the more rational and mild patients are housed on the lower levels. The more complicated the disorder, the high number the floor gets.

The lower levels of the building contain doctor’s offices, emergency rooms, diagnostic wings, a cafetaria, and a gift shop. The lowest level being the physical maintenance facility and the morgue. Not many individuals get the privilege and honor of visiting that level, luckily.

I’m an assistant here, never finished off my doctoral degree in psychology and psychopharmacology. I made it far enough to be an assistant; administering pharmaceuticals, and because of my size, I’m often pulled to help secure a patient to their bed when they enter a psychotic stage of their disorder. It can definitely become a health hazard when the patient starts scratching and kicking you, some even develop superhuman strength. I’ve seen some petite individuals take over a 6’5” 350lb 25 year old male.

1 prayer | 12:51 PM

Quote of the day: It'

Quote of the day:
It' sucks to have a shitty homelife, then you've got no place to look forward going

I am declaring today the day when I realized I was past the border of depression that was helpful. I am full blown depressed. You don’t need to read my stupid inane rantings of my life. I don’t want to bother to plague anyone with my emotional imbalances. I’ll probably be burning this to the ground within the next couple of days.

It’s been fun while it lasted. Take care of yourselves so that you don’t end up like me.

3 prayers | 01:44 PM

Sucking air breathlessly

I think today has been the worse day of the week thus far. Last night I fell asleep around one in the morning, with nerves getting to the best of me. Trying to take a reprieve from my mind and all my problems I buried myself in my book for about an hour.

This morning my fears are getting to the best of me. My chest is heavy and my breathing is rather difficult. I fear a panic attack is almost imminent. They are the scariest thing a person can experience. Not even the anxiety I felt for my organic chemistry could measure up to what I am feeling now. It's almost as if I feel my mind slowly fading into a state that can't take in any information. Even my Yoda Pez dispenser isn't bringing me comfort it's only exagerating the problem with his green head on the brown pez body - it reminds me of the scene in Lord of the Flies when the pigs head is impaled on the stick.

I have all my little buddies on my computer and monitor, a stuffed kitty, borg cube, manta ray, Prof Snape action figure, Yoda Pez dispenser, The Tick, Arthur, and Woody. They all seem to be looking and laughing at me no longer protecting me from the daemons of my computer.

All I ask is for people to be nice to me today, to leave me alone, and allow me to finish the 4 or 5 projects lying on my desk. I'm assuming that all my fears are because of my visit to the Endodontist tomorrow. It's still only a day away and if I manage to actually get myself there without breaking down, it'll be an accomplishment that'll only make me feel better.

Don't worry, although thoughts of self mutilation and death have crossed my mind, I've realised that someone needs me more than I need not to be here. For him, I'm thankful. He's the best companion any human can have except for his overall dependence and neediness on me but I guess that is what makes him so lovable. Senor Poopoos, Thanks.

No prayers | 09:03 AM

That's with a "W" not a "B"

I believe that either in my past or present life that I am a witch. All signs point to it, all of my characteristics show some sign of witch-like being. I guess the only thing now is to hone my witchiness.

Some facts:
Intense obsession of frogs and froggy/toadie things
Fascination with witchcraft and wizardry and the supernatural
Amazing cook
Kickass chemist

I guess I would be more of a potions and healings type witch. Almost like my favorite character in Harry Potter, Professor Snape. I find it even more uncanny that my favorite actor, Alan Rickman, played a role that basically is a chemist except with more natural substances.

Anyone have any good books on wiccan or magic?

No prayers | 04:27 PM

Call it Monday; call it nerves; call it escapism

I haven’t been feeling up to my normal bitter self in fact I’ve been beyond bitter almost bounding beyond angst straight into my dark Jacuzzi of depression. This weekend instead of enjoying the beautiful weather, I did my best to escape into some other world, being a voyeur into the life of someone else so I don’t have to deal with my own. In that aspect, reading is addictive, psychologically speaking.

I’m just starting to get fussy with my life, or the lack thereof. I’m a jealous person and when I see my friends having fun I’m happy for them and then I realize I’m not apart of the fun and then I get downtrodden. I could have gone to a concert this past week, but I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t, just figured that I’d let the guys go and enjoy themselves for once. Whereas I walked around the mall for an hour, picked up a pretzel, ran some errands, and ate a chicken-fucking-patty for dinner. I didn’t have the heart to cook something for myself nor go somewhere and eat out.

I’m very dependent on what others are doing. I don’t like doing things alone, I don’t even enjoy sleeping by myself at night. I don’t like to think for myself, I don’t like making decisions. I’m more concerned about the feelings of others than my own. I’d rather have everyone happy and if I can make that possible then so be it, even at the expense of my own.

So I play the martyr, I play the sacrificial mother, I play the rolls the inevitably would leave me with bearing pain and responsibility. Some days I wish that someone is going to come by and bring me good news of something special for me. I don’t have many things in life, I don’t really care about material objects, I just want someone to treat me how I should be treated. I think life would be a lot easier if I lived in one of the stories the I read; okay not easier, more adventure with less boredom.

No prayers | 09:13 AM

Deliciously obsessed

Yes, yes yes! Another blithering post about my obsession for Harry Potter! Well not quite. Thursday is my brother’s birthday and although he’s turning 32, he’s a big kid in many respects. I bought him for his birthday the HP dvd along with some stickers. To complete said theme today I picked out his birthday card, which I will send via post, that also remains in the Harry Potter theme. It was perfect from me, it said something about chocolate frogs and had a drawing of Professor Snape two great things that I obsess over. It doesn’t end there however. I decided to write the envelope of his card just like Harry receives by post but the white envelope wasn’t doing it for me. Across my desk was the brown parchment bag his card came in and that’s when I knew I had to go all out.

For his envelope, I used the brown parchment paper. I plan on addressing the card in green ink (just like the movie) and for the back of the card, I have the crests of the houses and I do believe one of them is the Hogwart’s crest. That will substitute for the wax sealing on the back. I think presentation of the card is just as important as the card itself. I’m absolutely sure my brother will be thrilled.

Other goings on in my life: someone I know is looking to have me tutor their daughter in chemistry. This should be an experience. I have always thought of myself as a poor chemistry student not able to teach another person anything. People around me disagree along with my organic chemistry classmates who said on numerous occasions that I should be teaching the course. The problem that I have is that I have very good memorization skills; it’s the application that fails me. I hope I don’t fail them because that would just make my interactions with them awkward.

As for the tooth fiasco, I think I straightened out most of the things that I had to. I’m keeping this appointment, secured the amount it’s going to cost, and contacted my dentist with some questions that I’ve been having. I feel a little bit better now that I’ve got some answers to my questions. Let’s pray that this will be quick and painless.

No prayers | 02:41 PM

Shite that can now get deleted from my inbox

My sister sends me sometimes the most interesting articles. From the meaning of meows to various people finding meaning in The Force.
The Force
Meaning of Cat's Meows
From Metafilter: A Guide to Flirting

No prayers | 02:25 PM