bitterdiva

Stress fractures and fractals

I sit here with my stomach churning feeling at any moment that I’ll either vomit or shit my brains out. I have been feeling well in the stomach department lately but I’ve noticed that lately it’s been getting worse. Tomorrow I imagine that I’ll be back to chicken soup with peas and rice for lunch. It’s quite enjoyable really and damn is it cheap! But the cause of the problem is something that I believe that my roommate could all attest to: stress.

We three roommates of ailments and pain. Lately the three of us have been stressed by a myriad of external and internal factors but can be summed up in one word stress. Seems redundant that sentence, eh what the fuck, I’ll keep it. Pressure, strain, anxiety, and tension are affecting our spiritual selves by compromising our physical beings. Finally the colds are fading and we’re attempting to return to a natural state of healthiness whatever that state is I don’t know.

I can’t speak for the other two but I know that for myself school, classes, family, money are all poking at my subconscious and I’m losing the mental health battle. The overwhelming self-depreciating feeling has returned to plague my thoughts and feelings. This is the reason why I left school among others, but primarily the main one. After 3 years of being out of school I’m still kicking myself in the ass for allowing my feelings to get the better of me and to just up and leave. The cycle is never ending. You can’t take classes full time because you need to have an income source. You can’t just work full time because you need your loans in deferment. You have credit card debt that isn’t diminishing, current utility bills that need paying, old utility bills that are being sent to collections, and teeth that constantly need some sort of fixing.

It only hit me at Easter when I went home and my mother is now definitely going to retire under disability, which is the best thing for her. What that means for me is that unless something good happens to my financial status, I can’t take classes. I don’t have the ability to save the $1,000 I need for classes. I miss the days of when I was able to go out and buy anything I wanted because I had no debt, no bills. I actually thought of going back home to Connecticut to live with my family so that I can save money. Unfortunately that’s not a possibility since my rents’ bedroom was turned into a family room, my sister’s room into their room, my room turned into my visiting sister’s room. My brother’s room remains the same and the unfinished room won’t be finished because my brother has a toy store stock room full of GI Joe and Star Wars crap (not that I don’t like either because I do).

I’m falling. Falling rapidly into darkness. One probably could see the waves my emotions take on. Lately I just feel like everything is hopeless and I keep waiting for someone to step in and help me. Ideally someone would. Realistically, I’m there to help everyone else and I feel like no one is there to help me get across the churning molten lava pit of doom. Then again, I’m too shut inside myself to even contemplate allowing anyone to help me out. Ah, the conundrum of the bitter diva.

Here’s my PSA: Take a step out of yourself for a moment. If you see that you need help ask for it. If your security net is as sound as you think there’ll be someone there watching out for you. If you think you’re walking around without one, you’ll be amazed that you probably aren’t.

Hmmm… this rant isn’t so bitter, so let me take the pH level down a couple of notches. This world has become too fucking PC. People can’t say anything anymore without people getting all uppity about something. Shut the fuck up, I am sick of all you bitches whining about everything. I now return you to your regularly scheduled happiness. The last paragraph of this rant has negated my entire post and I now go off in search of some theobromine to enlighten my afternoon.

01:23 PM

Comments

Posted by: liat blatman at June 4, 2002 06:14 AM

Posted by: bitterdiva at June 4, 2002 11:31 AM

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