bitterdiva

Hybrid state of affairs

Have you ever spent a night in a hybrid state of sleep and consciousness? Everything seems so surreal. You’re half asleep and yet you’re half awake; and to deal with the silence and the darkness your brain starts compensating for the lack of stimuli. It creates its own. I can’t exactly recall what it was that my mind created. It was like a clear glass pool of water. It was cold and smooth to the touch and yet it calmed me ever so greatly.

I spent the first three hours of my attempt to slumber feeling nauseous with my mouth watering just like it does before one proceeds in the violent act of reverse peristalsis. Constantly turning from my back to the side, to my stomach, to the other side, completing the rotation in search of the most comfortable position to fall asleep in. Nothing worked, not even the security of having another individual in my bed helped. Occasionally I would come to full consciousness and hurry off to the bathroom to empty my then angry bladder. Repeat positioning.

The sun’s rising angered me. The room was getting lighter and my chances of a decent period of sleep were decreasing just as fast as the room brightened. Again with the sreaming bladder. This time upon my return to the bedroom my feline companion in demand of some attention scurried through the opened doorway and hopped onto my slumber companion’s sleeping frame. He vocalized his wishes and as I lied back down he crawled upon my chest nudging my chin with his nose.

I relaxed more as my cat’s purrs become more audible and rhythmic eventually reaching that hybrid state again. Realizing I was drifting off he cautiously walked over to my desk chair and curled up in a ball. I drifted further into sleep avoiding the brightness in my room and the fact that I would soon have to get out of bed. It wasn’t long after what seemed to me as just falling asleep that my alarm blared noisily filling the corners of the room with its constant droning.

My feline nor my companion seemed to be affected by the alarm and after I had shut it off, calculated the actual time, I fell back into my nice comfortable bed with thoughts of how I was going to make it through the day. I should have taken another hit of the Tussin, which is half of the reason why I never fell completely into sleep.

1 prayer | 02:10 PM

Bitterdiva bares... an arm?

I constantly hide from the truth. I run screaming and kicking from it’s dark face actually. I have completely self deluded myself into thinking in a certain way or believing in things that may be completely far from the truth. So when people bluntly point out that I am truly a farce it disturbs me. All that I have created, all that I have managed to build in my own little world gets a hairline fracture in it and thus the crumbling begins.

I am convinced in my own paranoid delusions that something, some supernatural force is trying to make me better myself through several conversations in which people are trying to crack the encrypted code that is the matrix of me. I have let down my guard and for people to come too close at probing my heart and my mind frightens me and I return to my shell like a turtle.

So because the actual release of words from my mouth pains my ears I will never speak of them. I can type away to my heart’s desire about the problems that plague me, or the real me, or even why it is that I am the way I am. I will stare at your face with a hardened expression as you divulge to the residents of tables nearby how fake I am all the while praying to some deity that everyone listening is by far too drunk to even remember what has been said.

I am a highly intellectual person with some form of a psychosis. I have emotional problems that are based on my physical appearance and I over complicate things by trying to have multiple personalities so I can please everyone. In that attempt I have sacrificed myself and I don't know who I am anymore. There are fragments of my personality that are a constant through all my supposed personalities. I guess I try to hard to fit in with everyone, must be the Libra in me, seeking a constant state of balance.

I must be fooling myself. I must actually think that I am so unique in that not one of my friends can actually know who I am. Although instead of basking in all that is me I try to keep everything a secret from my friends the details of my life that I am too ashamed of to even speak of them. I have been ridiculed and compared to some individual throughout my entire life that I have set a standard of the perfect me, something that I will never be able to achieve and instead of letting go I further drive myself into a frenzy filled with self depreciating thoughts, suicidal tendencies, and eating disorders. Slide.

No prayers | 11:24 AM

Bodega Brains

Dr. Frankstein sends his faithful Igor down to a body part bodega in search of some brains. Upon arrival at said store, Igor is browsing the wide selection of brains offered by the establishment. He comes across a jar labeled B.S. 22 Deutsche Marks per kilogram and continues further and finds a jar labeled M.S. 31 Deutsche Marks (DEM)/kg. An excited Igor starts thinking to himself, “the master said to find the best brains money could buy – the M.S. brains are better than the B.S. but I should continue on.” He looks at a higher shelf of brains and comes across Ph.D. 55 DEM/kg. Igor picks up the jar and brings it to the counter. He glances up one more time behind the clerk and notices a dust covered jar high up on a shelf. The jar says 221 DEM/gram. Igor rejoices. “If a kilo of BS brains is 22 DEM, and MS is 31 DEM, and Ph.D. is 55 DEM then the price of brains increases as the intelligence increases” Igor turns to the clerk and says, “what kind of brains are those.” The clerk replies Administrator brains. Igor’s face suddenly becomes puzzled, “why do the Administrator brains cost so much more than the Ph.D.’s?” The clerk smiles at Igor and replies, “because it takes many administrators to get a gram of brains.”

I often find myself laughing at the idiocy of some adninnies. I get a call at work today that someone needs something faxed to their office. I, being the only available person, must watch the phones. Within 15 minutes the same woman calls back and says the person is not going to be in tomorrow and needs that fax now. I just wanted to say, “well if your person knew of prior engagements maybe you should’ve called earlier in the day rather than the last minute.” My office is a busy one, right now only one person here is covering calls for a possible 600 people that might have some questions. We are not superhumans, you are not allowed to have expectations of us that you couldn’t have for yourself.

1 prayer | 04:27 PM

20 ounces to caffeination

Five and a half hours of sleep, a shower, a litre of DP, 20 ounces coffee (chocolate raspberry of course) and an eight-hour workday lie between the weekend and myself. I will conquer the day!

For an update, my mother is doing well. She went in for an angiogram yesterday and found that the blockage she had was due to some scar tissue and was going to be treated with diet and medicine. Much relief to all my family members, but that still means my brother and father have to get off their arse and help out around the house.

I was thinking this morning about various things. I become very contemplative when the serotonin levels are low due to lack of sleep. Surprisingly, I’m happy – for the moment. Anyways, at this point in the day I started thinking about asshole (the original) and I think I finally forgave him. I have nothing bad to say about him, sure the underlying theme of our break up was still lame, but it wasn’t his fault. Really. Well okay, maybe it could have been avoided, but I’m not going dwell on that, because I’m trying to be optimistic and understanding.

I was searching for him on the net this morning maybe finding an e-mail so I can send him a message and see how he’s doing. Found nothing, except for a résumé of his that he posted about 8 months ago, no addy. I hope he’s well and I hope he’s happy with his girlfriend. Maybe both of them complemented each other so well that they’ll live a happy life together. Or maybe I’m delusional in my current state of sleep deprivation.

Then I started thinking about this guy I had an immense crush on. He was one of the reasons that I started hanging out with a certain group of people. He probably knew that I liked him, I just about told everyone (including those with mouths large enough to spread news faster than cnn.com). I was going to send him an e-mail to see how he’s doing and maybe play some catch up.

I’m such a slacker sometimes, I curl up in my own little world and I avoid those that truly mean a lot to me. My friends have stopped hanging around with the group when they (the group) decided they were too cool for us with all their video games, lan parties, and linux geekitude. I occasionally go back and get throttled into the holds of someone’s arms telling me that I shouldn’t be such a stranger. Fuck. I was going to say maybe I’ll go and visit them, but it’s Spring Break this week and they’ll most likely be gone. I have impeccable timing.

Yeah, I definitely think the sleep deprivation is clouding my mind and judgment. I think I need to play with this site a bit and figure out what I want it to do. Have fun kiddies.

1 prayer | 09:58 AM

I shield you from the pain

My mother, a strong and sacraficial woman, told me last night that she has to go back in the hospital for another procedure. Mind you, the last time my mother went into the hospital for the same procedure, she was on the single pixilated line between life and death. Hopefully this time there will be no error, no tear, and no major loss of blood.

I remember the morning when I received the call; I was staying home from work on a bright and sunny Tuesday. I immediately knew something was wrong by the tone of my sister’s voice, I only get to hear that tone when something has gone wrong or when she’s in pain. They didn’t want to disturb me, they didn’t want me to worry, they wanted to be sure what the outcome was going to be, and if it were for the worse, they would’ve called me earlier.

The only adjective that comes into my mind about seeing my mother in the ICU is surreal. The woman that is strong for us children, the woman that is strong for her husband, needed her children to be strong for her. When I entered her room, she was unable to speak or open her eyes, her only connection to the visitors in her room was the sound of voices and communication with fingers. When I greeted her, I saw a smile on her face and an immediate waving of the finger at me- shaming me for leaving my life and heading to be with my family.

How could a person feel bad for their daughter to come and be with them when they’re barely out of the way of danger? I can barely even think about how I would’ve felt if I didn’t go and see her and something turned for the worse and she passed. I don’t think I could live with myself.

So ever since the news I’ve been one ball of hysterics, of trying to keep myself busy. It’s not working though; the images and thoughts are too powerful for myself to overcome. So I sit at work, with a box of tissues by my side trying to hide the fact that I’m shedding tears, a bottle of Advil to keep the cramps away, and the occasional free moment to rub the stuffed kitty on the top of my monitor.

It’s hard to think about life without my mother in it. It’s probably also useless for me to worry about something that I don’t have to worry about today, tomorrow that’s another story. For my little piece of advice today, I just say, be thankful and appreciative of your parents, no matter how much you may or may not like them. If you never had a good relationship with them, I apologize, you probably can’t understand what I’m going through. If you have a good relationship with them, then I just urge you to call them up and tell them how much you love them. You never know when they could leave you permanently.

1 prayer | 11:23 AM

"Second suitor. If you were a comic book character, what character would you be?"

some freak: im gonna be honest
some freak: ready?
bitterdiva: okay
some freak: the only reason im talking to you is cuz i want to get together with u and have sex
bitterdiva: wow and mankind evolves another step
some freak: im sorry
some freak: i understand if u dont want to talk anymore
bitterdiva: i don't exactly know what to think... the goddess must dwell on this for a bit
some freak: k
bitterdiva: there isn't any other female that you find more appealing that is currently roaming in your world?
some freak: no
some freak: none will with me
bitterdiva: how about hiring a hooker, i hear the ones down at the port are highly amusing
some freak: haha no
some freak: i want a girl that is not dirty
some freak: and that likes me for me

And there in my mind ran millions of things, what comeback can I expel making this 20 year old freak even more belittled. I've been used for many things in my life, but I can honestly say that I don't believe sex was one of them. Now all of a sudden guys can't get enough of me and I can't get away from them. Unless they're Brodie, then I wouldn't mind being used for sex... we could even do it in the most uncomfortable of places.

4 prayers | 03:04 PM

Electrons in the ring, Electrons in the ring, fly out and grab the big bad plus and rearomatize the ring

It's been a rather mundane weekend. Filled with hopes and empty pockets. I don't so much mind being poor there are many benefits to it, excuses that are the truth as to why I'm not out on a Saturday night basking in some form of debauchery with my fellow humans. I have exams; I need to conserve gas; I am busy washing my hair. Nope none of these aren't as lowly and pitiful as I'm completely flat broke.

I had spent all of my paycheck on necessities, paying rent and paying off overdue utility bills. If I had known that they weren't going to shut off my phone, I'd've hoarded my money for weeks more and been seen at the bar shooting some pool. Anyways, I had called the phone company earlier on Friday checking on the horrific amount that I still owe them, if any, after payin 230 to the bastards (100 was towards the long distance bill that incurred during the era of a fling). The woman informs me I have something like 58.17 and proceeds to ask if I was going to be paying that over the phone today. Luckily she was merely a voice on the phone and not some biotch standing in front of me. I would've ripped her tits off and shoved them down her throast, smiling as she choked on them. For fuck's sake, no I'm not paying the amount, I just gave you people the rest of my money this week so I can't even buy groceries until 2 weeks from now. The woman says, okay so I'll put an entry in here that you'll be making a payment on Friday, the 15th. I really hate dealing with companies and owing them money.

God knows I've been hiding from some student loans, some credit cards, and a lawyer's company in search of money from an electric bill from the old apartment. Fuckers even have my work phone number and are calling me there. I'll get around to paying that someday, along with returning the cable modem that's sitting next to my desk.

All aside, it's Sunday - the day before Monday- the day before this hellish week begins with no money and two exams and a raging case of PMS. I'll be happy once this bought is over so my skin will clear up and I'll be bitching about the horrors of being born a woman. I did however go for a walk today. The weather was beautiful, very spring-like, and I decided to take it all in before the front moves in and it goes back to freezing again.

Midterm time has approached again and this week brings an exam in my lit class along with my organic chem class. I think I can pull off the lit, the ochem is another matter. I missed a class and was sick during another one, I have absolutely no clue what's going on. My only hope is multiple guess.

Oh and if one more fuck nugget at work registers for the already commenced series of workshops my office has going on, I'm going to sign their e-mail up for many cum guzzling porn sites I can. I am not wonder woman, I fuck up just like the rest of the world. I also like to fuck just like the rest of the world.

No prayers | 05:39 PM