bitterdiva

February 20th, 2002

I often look at the calendar and think, “oh, next week is right around the corner.” My life is usually so typical that I can predict every moment that is going to happen. I wake up around 7, take a shower, dress, go to work, go to lunch, go back to work, leave work, go to class depending on the day, go home, eat dinner, watch tv, go to bed. My life never has any surprising moments, well directly affected by myself of course. I rarely ever dictate my fun activities, if I did, I probably would be found sitting in front of my computer playing some computer game allowing my brain to rot.

I often enjoy the monotony of my life. I love to bitch about it as well. I hate my job, I hate my debt, I hate being single, I hate this and I hate that. So what happens to me when a guy shows any interest in myself (and has gotten past the barrier of unintelligible conversations and stupidity)? If your guess was, push them away as far as you can, you win.

Last night as I was lying in my drug induced haze on the bed I started thinking about me. It’s very rare in life when I actually analyze myself; I’m typically analyzing others to help them out (most people don’t listen to my advice though or they listen and don’t act on it – but that’s another rant for another day). So some discoveries about yours truly: I am too messed up in the head to actually be pursuing any form of romantic relationship. I have commitment and intimacy issues - I’m more like a guy in that aspect. Actually despite the fact that I have breasts and a vagina, I’m pretty much a male. I feel as if I am bound to walk this planet alone and I destroy the best relationships because of that feeling. By the time any male has piqued an interest in me, I have already laid out the map of the relationship realizing the end.

What do I want out of life? Other besides the wish of being debt free I would have to say have a job in which I am truly happy in. I want to be able to explore countries; I want to be with my soul mate; I want to not be sacrificing my feelings for the well being of another person; I want my prince charming; I want a lot of things in life, but I’m afraid that I will never deem myself worthy enough to pursue them.

This past weekend my roommate had someone over, he and she were watching American Beauty, and during the course of the movie the freaky boyfriend says to the daughter’s friend that she is ordinary. I fear being ordinary, I fear being average at something, and most of all, I fear being happy. I haven’t known what it’s like to be happy in a long, long time. I think I’m happy when I’m in a relationship; I think I’m happy when I’m not in a relationship; I think I’m happy when I’m helping someone understand some concept in organic chemistry. But these things aren’t happiness, they’re fleeting moments where happiness is trying to peek out through the light and give me a sense of what it’s truly like to be happy. My father hasn’t been happy in over 10 years. I don’t think that my brother and sister are happy, nor my mother. There are moments of joy in everyone’s life that we reminisce upon and a smile cracks through the sullen expression on our face. There’s that supposed magical moment in time where we’re completely happy that time just stands still. I thought I experienced this several times but the hurt and despair of the broken relationship sullied it.

So funseekers, if you ever have a chance at happiness, for fuck’s sake, don’t pass it up. Even if it turns out to be shitelaiden, you’ll always have the experience of being adventurous and trying something different, and that in itself is not being ordinary.

06:05 AM

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Posted by: ian at February 26, 2002 03:41 PM

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